The Cost of Getting Closer to God

Why we don’t go deeper

Photo taken by the author at Carpinteria State Beach

When God was knitting me together in my mother’s womb, God decided to make me extra prone to motion sickness. Then God saw fit to give me to a family that would become overseas missionaries in Europe, necessitating several cross-Atlantic flights, regular train and metro rides, and near constant car travel for the first 18 years of my life.

It was so bad that just smelling the diesel fumes in our garage was all it took to reduce me from a functioning child to a dizzy, queasy mess. Over the years, I developed strategies to cope with it—mainly: sleep. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become (mercifully) less sensitive to motion sickness. So when the opportunity arose to go on an all-expenses-paid whale-watching tour through my husband’s work, I enthusiastically signed up.

Here in San Diego, we are spoiled with all kinds of wildlife: from exotic green parrots who fly in noisy flocks overhead, to the Brindle Sea Stars who hide under beach rocks, to the dolphins you can spot among the surfers. But whales? I’ve always wanted to see one. They say the best time for whale watching is in the winter, and if you’re lucky and paying attention, you can gaze out onto the horizon from the sandy shores and see the telltale spout of water indicating that a Gray Whale is passing by.

“But are you sure you can handle the boat?” my husband asked me.

And honestly? My excitement at seeing the whales trumped any concern for motion sickness.

As we approached the Saturday in question, however, we got an email from the captain of our ship, advising us that the seas were going to be exceptionally choppy that day, and so anyone who struggles with motion sickness may want to back out while they still could.

I had to weigh my desire to see whales with my competing desire to not be miserable for three hours and potentially puke in front of my husband’s colleagues.

I just finished watching the first season of Pluribus on Apple TV, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes us fundamentally human. Without giving too much of the show away, those who have joined the collective “hive mind” experience a state of not wanting. Individual desires disappear. But as Jen Pollock Michel explores in her book Teach Us to Want:

“Desire is primal; to be human is to want.”¹

Many of us who follow Jesus want to know God more intimately for ourselves. We want to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus. We want to live in step with the Spirit. We want to experience God’s mercy and grace. We want to love God and others more.

What is stopping us from acting on these desires? Four reasons come to mind:

1. We prioritize other desires

We are seduced by what the world tells us we should want. We look around and see that those with the most achievements and accomplishments are rewarded. As a result, we orient our entire lives around accumulating the most wealth. We are consumed by getting ahead and making sure our kids get ahead. We value productivity, ambition, and prestige. We want the best schools, the top positions, the most respect.

It’s hard to follow the ways of Jesus when you subscribe to the world’s definition of success.

2. We choose the path of least resistance

It takes a lot of intentionality to live a Jesus-centered life in a self-centered world. We feel this pinch any time that following Jesus feels uncomfortable or inconvenient. To offer hospitality, to choose community, to actively love your neighbor (even the one flying the wrong flag), to display any fruit of the Spirit, feels difficult at best and radically counter-cultural at worst.

It’s so much easier to go along with the flow. To show up to church on the occasional Sunday and never go deeper. To claim Christ in name but not in deed. It’s easier to say we want something than to act like we want it.

3. We compartmentalize God

The best thing you can do for your spiritual life is to recognize that your whole, actual life is your spiritual life.² Thinking that we need to relegate God into a specific time frame reduces what should be a vibrant, dynamic relationship into an item to check off a list. When people say they want to grow closer to God, “but they just don’t have time,” that’s a sign that they have bought in to the false division between sacred and secular.

Our whole life is an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God, and to live in worshipful response to God. Every time we enjoy a good meal, or a sunset, or a reel that makes us laugh is a chance for gratitude and adoration to God, the giver of all good things. Every time we interact with another person is a chance to mirror God’s love to us. Every time we find ourselves spiraling into fear and anxiety is a chance to pray over those feelings to God.

Instead of feeling guilty for skipping a dedicated “quiet time,” inviting God into the minutiae of our day is a way we can “present our bodies as a living sacrifice.” (Rom. 12:1)

4. The cost/risk seems too high

If you paid attention in Sunday School, you might notice how it’s difficult to walk away from an encounter with God unchanged. God grabbed Moses’s attention with a burning bush and then asked him to do something very difficult: lead God’s people out of slavery in Egypt. Mary was tasked to birth the Savior and was warned a sword would pierce her soul too (Luke 2:34-35.) Paul was blinded for three days after meeting God on the road, and his whole mission in life was redirected towards spreading the good news of Jesus, at much personal cost to him.

It could be that, while we desire a greater intimacy with God, we are afraid of the risks. Following Jesus could very well cost us something. God may ask us to change, or do something hard, or release control of our lives. Do we really, truly, actually want to grow closer to God?

In my whale-watching dilemma, there was no morally superior choice. Rather, it was a matter of prioritizing my desires. And in the end, the surety of motion sickness was more persuasive than the possibility of spotting whales.

In our journey of faith, though, the stakes are higher. Desire fuels our forward motion and it’s worth reflecting on what we really want out of our life with God. Author and spiritual director Ruth Haley Barton says that “we are compelled to seek out ways of living that are congruent with our deepest desires.”³

Maybe the most honest prayer we can pray, especially during this season of Lent, is—

Lord, help me to want more of you.
May my longing for you outweigh all other desires.
May you guide me into the actions, big and small, that I can practice daily
in order to grow closer to you.
May they be a reflection of my longing,
incomplete heart
and not a box to check or piety to perform.
Meet me in my need, my lack,
my weakness, and
surround me with your love.
Amen.

You’ll love the latest episode of Theology on Purpose with author and pastor Courtney Ellis! We chat about her latest book Weathering Change. You’ll hear about:

• Why change often reshapes our faith (and how God meets us in that process!)

• Curiosity as a spiritual practice during anxiety, grief, and uncertainty

• How creation reveals God’s character and invites deeper attentiveness

• “Krill-sized nourishment”: small practices that sustain us in overwhelming seasons
  Listen here and get the show notes here.

Something that made me laugh: I need this kind of therapy in my life!

Something I read and loved: The Instagramification of the Church by Dave Boden. “An ideal version of faith gets staged in front of us. We try to recreate it. Then when our real lives look messier than the image, we assume the problem is us, not the picture we were sold.”

Something I listened to: Being Fully Known by God with Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith on the Radical Radiance podcast. I especially loved the discussion on getting to the bottom of our “wants.”

Something I’m cooking: I have my eye on this Cheesy Vegetarian Chili Mac.

Lent Through the Senses: I wrote a 7-week (or 7-day!) family devotional for Lent for my church. If you have kids ages 4-11 and are looking for something easy but meaningful, you can download it for free, here!

Until next time,

1. Teach Us to Want, by Jen Pollock Michel, p. 29

2. I first encountered this idea in John Ortberg’s The Life You’ve Always Wanted

3. Sacred Rhythms, by Ruth Haley Barton, p. 13